Building Strong Bonds Between Parents and Children
It seems simple, doesn't it? Is there a stronger relationship in nature than that between children and parents? Nature has arranged it all by itself, genes and hormones do their job. But is it really so?
Long ago, when my children weren't even in the plan, I made plans to be the best parent in the world. This mainly meant that I would enjoy compliments on how my child is calm, doesn't cry, doesn't demand attention, doesn't need to be rocked, sleeps alone in the room, has only the best grades, and recites poems for my guests. And everyone would say, "How well she raised them." Oh, how wrong I was.
Somewhere around my first childbirth, there was more intense talk about the first contact with the baby. How that moment is very important for creating a lasting bond and that we should demand from doctors to give us the baby after birth, to press skin to skin. Fortunately, both the nurses and doctors had heard about this, so they gave me my baby without me having to ask. And I don't remember much, everything is in a haze. But that feeling on my lips, the touch of the softest skin in the world, I will never forget. In that blur of events that childbirth brings, that kiss brought relief and euphoria that managed to overcome everything else. At least for a moment.
Now. It seems very simple - hug your children to create a strong bond. But it's often forgotten because after childbirth you're bombarded with advice on how to be successful. Here are some pieces of advice you can freely forget.
Don't get the baby used to being held!
That's the imperative of successful parenting, because all babies are the same and if you're persistent enough, you'll teach her to fall asleep alone in the crib, and then you have the night to yourself. I have sad news. It's not like that. Some babies simply want to be rocked. And enjoy it. Learn how to put her to sleep in a way that's easier for you too. Whether it's the ancient method where you both hold the ends of the blanket until she falls asleep, whether it's the method of rocking the baby "on the legs"; whether you'll rock together in a swing, judge for yourself. It helped me because I watched movies or listened to the radio, or we both laughed and talked while rocking that blanket. So, get them used to being held. It will pass. And you'll catch yourself wanting to comfort your grown child just like when he was a baby, but he no longer fits in your lap.
Children should never sleep with you in bed!
Says who? They say it's not good, children must sleep in a separate room. Nothing is a must. You only have to follow your rhythm and your child's rhythm. I'm sure I wouldn't have survived some fevers if they hadn't slept with us. They would have been fine, but I needed that hug. Let the children sneak into bed. Even birds don't leave the nest until they're ready. And it will pay off. Because when crying babies become silent teenagers, you'll get a sudden outpouring of love when they nestle between you while watching TV in the afternoon. Without words, with a blanket, they fall asleep.
And then the shared moments just keep coming. There will be ups and downs. But you just need to let go of the principle that parenting is a serious, strict thing and that children and parents lead separate lives. So take your children for a drink when you go out with friends, take them to visit relatives, let them go shopping with you, let them come to your workplace even if just for a short while, call them when you're fixing the stove or making pastries. Who complains, let them complain. Let them help you. Watch a movie together, play cards or board games. Believe me, that period when they want to be with us all the time passes quickly. And when you realize that basketball with friends has taken the place of coffee with you on the priority list, you'll know you have wonderful memories. And simply habits of spending time together.
Here, try to remember the most beautiful events from your childhood. I'm sure it's not a gift you received. But going to my father's workplace and the importance I felt as he showed me how everything works at the gas station, and then a break while he drinks coffee and I drink thick juice, well, I'll never forget that day.
It seems simple because it is. Hug and kiss your children and share as much as you can with them.